Sonntag, 9. November 2008

I am deficient in vitamin B12

It started with me feeling tired and dizzy most of the time. The tiredness did become so strong, I sometimes couldn't get out of my bed AT ALL, because as soon as I would, I'd start feeling dizzy and faint and that was quite scary.

Some days would be better than the others but basically I just had to learn to cope, in spite of having such great difficulties every single day. It felt like all the others can walk around and have fun and I can only do it with a heavy load hanging from my neck and pressing me down.

The deep sadness was the other thing I had to deal with in this stressful time. Sometimes even I couldn't understand myself. Usually I am very happy and full of energy, but it seemed that I am sad and irritable ALL the time from now on :( The tiniest negative thing would make me feel horrible. I remember seeing an old lady feeding ducks in the park, and (me) bursting into tears because she looked so lonely and cute.

The problem was that I didn't think about the possibility of being seriously ill: I've just lost my mother and all the emotional and physical pain I had to go through was understood as a normal human reacti
on, which "will eventually get better". I tried to keep going on like this and hoping for better times but it seemed impossible. It was like going through a huge piece of jungle every day and falling into deep holes each time: it was simply unbearable. I didn't even know, people can feel such strong emotional pain so often, it was a huge burden I couldn't carry any more. I did go to the doctor and checked my blood levels.My iron levels were very low . Filling them up didn't make me feel better though. At some point I started thinking it's because of the tension between Nicky&me. Everything's changed so much since couple of months. It seemed impossible to get through the day without any worldshattering problems. Welcome in puberty!

That's why I decided to go to the therapist and ask her what I am doing wrong: everybody else seemed to be managing their lives all right, only I was struggling like crazy , WHY? And this is what she said: "Nothing is wrong with you, you sound all right to me. Your daughter is going through puberty and everything she does is absolutely NORMAL! Don't worry. It'll take another couple of years and then things will calm down."
She said it with a pleasant smile, as if she was happy about it too! "Ah well, at least I know I'm not crazy".

But things kept getting worse all the time. My tongue started bleeding and felt very sore for a long time. "Oh, that's nothing, it's just a bit inflamed.",-those were my doctors words. That little inflammation took 6 weeks to heal! I could hardly eat anything without any pain, it was awful.

The next symptom were the numb hands. That one did scare me a lot because I couldn't play my violin anymore, therefore I couldn't work! Off I went to the doctor again. This time he said I do have multipe was like having one shock after another.
In the meantime, my emotional condition was getting worse by the minute.

Things which normally didn't bother me at all, started causing such unbearable pain, I did end up feeling helpless and lost. I stopped seeing my friends because I felt embarassed of my unstable state of mind: I was scared of bursting into tears in front of everyone.
Usually I loved talking to people, laughing, having fun, but ALL those activities were no longer part of my life. Sadness and exhaustion were now my new friends :( Remembering that I used to be the exact opposite from what I was now , I did finally decide to find out on my own what the problem was, because I didn't want to believe this MS diagnosis. It just didn't sound right to me! After doing a search on the net I was amazed about the similarity of my symptoms with the other v.B12-deficient patients. After asking the doctor to check my blood levels and him refusing to do that,- "You just have to put up with the diagnosis. I know it's not easy, but it's unavoidable!",- off I went to the different doc. While I was telling him all about my current physical condition, he interrupted me by saying: "It sounds scary enough to me. Lets check them now". The result was quite frightening too: instead of normal serum B12 level 200-1000, I did only have 25! "I did have a patient who died of the v.B12 deficiency and her levels were higher than yours.Be careful and take care. I'm very concerned about you". Everything is going to be fine now, I thought. But it doesn't seem to be that easy. When you have such a big deficiency it takes time to sort things out again. I hope I won't be left with a permanent damage of the nerves.

Wish me luck!

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